“I’m my own dream girlfriend”

“I’m my own dream girlfriend”

She’s decently perfect in an imperfect world: curves, nice height, intelligent, quirky, witty, nice boobs— hell, if I were a guy, I’d date her. Too bad she’s… me.

My friends all throughout college have made fun of me for a lurid statement that I once off handedly made while on the outskirts with my long-term boyfriend, PenName. “I’m my own dream girlfriend,” I had said. They all laughed, and after a moment I realized that I was being completely honest with myself, I was and still am my own dream girlfriend.

Now before you think, “what an egocentric bitch,” stop and ask yourself, if a guy left you, would you ever think along the lines of “I’m too good for him anyway” or “he doesn’t know what he’s losing?” If you answered yes, then to a degree you too think you’re a good girlfriend. If you were in his shoes, would you want to be with you?

Breaking up is hard to do.

I ended up using the notion of me being my own dream girlfriend against PenName (my long term on again, off again, on, off on— you get the point, boyfriend of 8 years), after a massive, lengthy, bloody breakup brawl #2. I justified this second massive break up with the notion that PenName would never realize what he had let go and it would be him missing me, needing me, and begging for me to come back. My opinion that I was my own dream girlfriend didn’t fail me, at least not this time.

I started seeing someone else after about 3 months, all while flirting with PenName. PenName’s indecisiveness to start anything romantic ended up pushing me into another relationship.

Out of sight, not out of mind.

I’d like to say that PenName did come back, and left, and returned, and repeated a tiresome sequence that is possibly left up to Murphy’s law. But, after three additional months I had left the other guy and had decided to give PenName another chance after he showed off his capability to care by texting, calling, writing letters, and just being open and genuine about feelings and emotions in general.

PenName has always had it in him to treat me right and care, but it appears as though it only creeps through when I’m hard to get. Instances where I’m physically far away because of trips, or I’m out of sight and slightly out of mind due to a break up are the perfect example of when he comes running. Comments like “I miss you” and how beautiful I am come up in more and more. Eventually he hits a peak though, and PenName leaves again, jaded by the sheer presence of me.

I can’t date myself and that’d be creepy anyway.

So maybe what I need is someone like me to date, without the drama and the whole being female aspect. For now, I’m with PenName where he emotional, physically, educationally and positively supports me for being me. Until I can clone myself, I’ll stick to reality and finding a partner in someone other than myself.

-Arete Siren